I'm going to be honest. If you don't want to hear what I have to say then stop reading.
I've been on a website since I started trying to conceive Jaxon and I've remained on it. I have joined buddy groups for people on Clomid and then Due in January 2008 and most recently Due in February 2010. I've now joined a buddy group for losses to help me through this tragedy in my life. I posted something on there and I just wanted to put it in my blog as this is how I'm really feeling, its my reality. Like I said, if you dont want to hear it, stop reading now.
Never Imagined...
I would ever be posting here. When you get your BFP you are so excited. You are scared of losing your baby but you never think it will happen to you. You enter a buddy group for your due date and continuously watch some of them post about their signs & symptom's of a miscarriage. You are sad to see them go but never think you will be the next.
Then it happens...you start spotting. You call the doctor and they tell you it is normal and just to get some rest. You spot more, you know it's the beginning of the end but you have hope. You start to pray. Even if you've never prayed before or it's been a while since you've prayed, you pray A LOT. The bleeding starts, and so do the tears. You never imagined you'd be going through this, why you? Why now? What did I do wrong? You hear and have been told numerous times that it is nothing that would have done but you always ask yourself what could I have done differently? Why does this hurt so bad? You were only pregnant for a short time but you feel so empty, depressed, alone. Will this ever get better? Will I be able to have a normal pregnancy?
You don't want to hear 'maybe there was something wrong with the baby and its your body's way of getting rid of something that is sick' or 'at least you know you can get pregnant' or 'everything happens for a reason'. Just be quiet, just leave me alone, just let me grieve.
This is me...this is now my reality. I have to accept that I am here now, that this happened to me. I was so naive to believe this would never happen to me.
1 year ago
2 comments:
April,
You put how it feels into words so well. I do know what you are going through, but I don't know how you feel because everyone feels so differently. My only advice that I can give you is don't let anyone tell you when you should feel better, don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't still be crying. Take as much time as you need to heal, it never completly goes away,but it gets easier. If you ever need to vent or a shoulder to cry on I'm here for you.
I have no idea what you're going through right now honey, but I know that you're in pain and that makes my heart hurt for you . . . All I can say is that right now I am giving you a giant mental hug and will give you one in person next time I see you.
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